Thursday, January 26, 2012

so blessed

I am grateful.
As we drove around this morning, the kiddos and I found ourselves in a conversation about gratitude. Me telling them the importance of telling Heavenly Father about all the things we are grateful for, in our prayers. I found myself telling them that if we don't tell Him the things we are thankful for then He can't bless us with more. I have now found myself thinking about that a bit today. I pray daily, multiple times a day, and I DO express gratitude in each prayer and there is a small little list that I never forget and then other things that get added as they come to mind.
My children being one of those things that are always remembered and spoken.
However, I find it nearly impossible to express it in the way that I feel. Are there really words that can? Have you ever had moments, or days or even weeks where your gratitude for your kids is more than you can even bare? That's me this week. My gratitude and my love is more than I can hold in. I am so blessed with such amazing little spirits to surround me.
My heart aches for so many who struggle with fertility, who find themselves longing for something because, for them, it isn't coming easily.
I ache for those who have miscarried and who have suffered that pain as well.
I suffered that pain almost 2 years ago. I never blogged about it. I was broken and I didn't know how to write it out. We told our family a little while (like a few days to a week) later. We weren't very far along, in fact we had barely found out we were expecting and then in a matter of days the joy and excitement was gone. Mike was strong, almost oddly strong, about the whole thing. Somehow I think the Lord prepared him for it in a way-he had gotten excited when we saw the test, and the 2nd one, and the 3rd one but part of him remained stand-offish about it, unsure really.
 I was ecstatic.
We were wanting another one and I was so ready.
And then I started cramping.
I got scared, scared to even go to the bathroom and kept telling myself not worry-I had cramped some with my other 2 pregnancies. But, in all honesty, deep down I knew what was coming, just hoping though that I was wrong. Hoping so very very much.
And then I started bleeding. And my heart felt like it was bleeding too.
I was in a really bad place for about 2 weeks. I felt utterly alone. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't explain all the things I was feeling. I felt silly for being so upset when I wasn't very far along anyway-a lot of women wouldn't have even know they were pregnant at that point-would probably have just thought they were late by a little more than a few days. (my mom told me it didn't matter though, she miscarried early once and quite a bit later as well-it hurts no matter what.) I felt angry too, angry because I wasn't stronger, angry because the peace I was trying to find wasn't coming. It was one of the hardest times of my life.
Thankfully, I had the blessing of 2 other beautiful and wonderful children. I HAD to snap out of it. I can't imagine what it must be like otherwise. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with it in that sense, being without other children. We were really blessed to get pregnant quickly after that. It helped a lot. But I also know that doesn't happen most of the time either, again, that must be so hard.
I still think about it though. I still wonder a lot of different things about it.
But, I know that trials and heart ache are necessary to growth and development here in this life. Does that knowledge make it easier to deal though?
Not always.
But luckily time helps heal, if we let it and so does the love of a very loving and caring God.
Anyway, I am not really sure where all of that came from- I never intended on sharing any of that, it just came out. 
I am beyond grateful though, for the amazing children that I have been lucky enough to help come to this earth. I don't take them for granted, I truly know that they're great blessings and I wonder everyday why that wasn't a struggle that I was to have, while so many others who would be great parents (who would be much better than me) do have that struggle.
I am grateful for my children, truly grateful. I love them and wish I was better at expressing the very depth of that love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father.
Luckily He knows my heart better than I even do.
To any of you who may be struggling or who have struggled with infertility of any sort, lean on Him. I promise that is where you will find all the strength you need. If you can't see it or feel it, look for it in the small ways, He seems to be there the most in the less obvious yet most obvious places.

1 comment:

Build It,Sew It,Love It said...

Ohh Shannon, I am SO sorry you had to go through that! It hard and painful. So glad to have the gospel, its healing during all those horrible no good bad days and weeks!! Makinley is such a blessing!! Your a great mamma!! Your the best!!

Smiles and Hugs
Jenn M