Monday, September 24, 2012

I am actually so glad that our comments are not working right now.
I would have turned off the comments on this post anyway.
It's a post I need to write for my emotional sanity rather than anything else.
Last month we miscarried.
I was supposed to be 7 weeks pregnant. I hadn't been to the Dr. yet but was ready to call that next week to set up my first appointment. It was a long day that it all started going down. Really it was a long week after that since it took nearly a week to be sure.
It really stinks.
I kept saying how much better I was handling it this time around. But I think I have been fooling myself. I have kept going this time around. I didn't completely fall apart and distance myself from my family, but this pit and hole in my heart hasn't gone away this time. I find myself choking up at random times and not knowing where it comes from as my mind is always busy with other things going on. I finally came to realize what was going on. I feel like I don't know how to deal with it the right way. I feel like I need to mourn and cry it all out but I am holding back because, at the end of the day will it change anything?
Also, I know this was really hard for Mike this time around too and I am trying, so hard, to be strong for him. He is always the strong one and handles things so well, I want to be that way too-for him. I just kind of stink at it. :)
I don't even feel like I can spit out all that is going through my mind, I don't know how.
I just know that it hurts.
And it hurts bad.
I also know that it will get better, it did last time. And it will this time. We have so many blessings, such a great life. This helps us, me, to appreciate all of that so much more. These experiences help me know how great of a blessing and miracle each one of my babies is, and how much I really do love them and am grateful for them.
Maybe, someday, these two experiences will help me to help someone else. Help to assure them that Heavenly Father is aware of their aching heart. That He knows their struggle and pain. That He completely loves them and wants them to be happy. And, that He knows best-that His timing is EVERYTHING and so much better than our own. He knows what trials will make them weak enough to bring them to Him completely, and then make them stronger than they ever knew they could be.
And, it's okay to hurt. It's not silly because others have it worse, it doesn't make it any less hard for them to cope with their specific trial-they're a different person, with different emotions.
Life is hard, there is no doubt about it. We are all here, on this earth, experiencing so many similar, yet different, things. Different because, each of us are different and how we cope, with what may seem the exact same thing someone else went through, is different- how we feel is different. That's what makes us who we are. While my heart aches I know it's okay, it's actually really okay-life that is, this situation. It's actually good because I know, without a doubt, that this is the Lord's plan...and His plan is so much better than anything I could I could put together or foresee.
And that makes it all okay.


John n Shannon said...

I know you mentioned your comments were turned off but I just wanted to let you know that I needed to hear this. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with the hardships of miscarriages. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I'm just writing to say that we are currently going through some tough times in a different way than you which have left our future unclear and unstable when it has been so stable for so long. So it's scary and uncertain and confusing. But ultimately, Heavenly Father knows whats going on so I'm learning to trust him more and rely on him more. I'm just sad that it has to take this to happen to make me realize just how blessed I was/am and to improve my relationship with Him and do those things that I should have been doing better all along. If anything, this current situation has shown me what matters and what doesn't and that I'll look back on it all and it will make sense even if it doesn't right now. Thanks for your words. They really hit home. I'll keep you guys in our prayers.

Jody said...

Oh Shannon, if I could reach thru the computer and hug you I would. My heart aches for you, but I know you are strong and you will get thru this!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!! :)